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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’ Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’ And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again.

Admire my girlfriend - this is faithfulness! The fourth time married, but her lover is still the same!

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come from under the bed.
— Is there someone there? — he asked absently.
— No, professor, — answered the thief.
— That is strange, — muttered the professor. — I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.

Husband to wife:
- Let's argue,that I can say to you,and joyful and sad for you ?
-You have the biggest cock of all your friends!

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty. "I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

          Man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

- Dude, I've got two bad news for you.
- Combine them.
- Your girlfriend cheats both of us.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds, "They'll find us."

Girl tell your groom:
- Our women corporate on a nude beach, you will go with us?
- But I must?
- Of course! So that later they would not say anything more, that I'm marrying you for money.

- "Why did your girl leave you?"

- Well, she offered to have sex three together and asked who I would choose.

- And you chose her best friend?"

- I chose two of her best friends ...

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

Tits - a clear proof that the look of a man can focus on two things at once.

The daughter asks her mother:
-My dear mother,please buy for me a hamster!
-My daughter you will get tired of it,what will you do with it then?It isn't a toy,you can't throw it away!
-Then we will buy a cat!The cat will eat a hamster and it will live with us.
-And when you get tired of the cat?What will you do then?
-we'll buy a dog!The dog will eat the cat and it will live with us!
-And when you get tired of the dog what will you do then?!
The daughter is shocked.She wasn't waiting for this question.In a few minutes:
- AND WE WILL BUY THE POLLAR BEAR!

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
-
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

"Waiter!"
"Yes, sir."
"What's this?"
"It's bean soup, sir."
"No matter what it's been. What is it now?"

- Hi! How are you?
- Very tired.
- And what did you do?
- Running. He ran a lot. Running, running, and then sex.
- Did they catch you?

Why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam?

She wasn't used to the front seat!

Why did she finally pass her test?

She took the examiner with her.

• My girl has big tits!

• My girl has a cool ass!

• "My girl has a big dick," Igor thought, but did not say anything ...

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

And one more..

A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.

"And I can read minds!"
"And what do I think now?"
"Go there yourself!"

Once I woke up from the morning blowjob. This was the last time I fell asleep in the subway with my mouth open.

Boy: Our principal is so stupid.
Girl: Do you know who I am?
B: No.
G: I am the principal’s daughter.
B: Do you know who I am?
G: No.
B: Good (walks away).

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

- Touch the strings of my soul.
- But this is your dick!
- There is not a drop of romance in you ...

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied. And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

What, you can answer a woman who squeezes your eggs in her hand and says tenderly: "Do you love me?".

A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?" The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait"

- Yesterday my father caught me smoking. Made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes.
- It's good that I did not masturbate ...

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm. The Dr said "which position do you use?" "Doggy style," said dumb shit. "why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr. "We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

The taxi driver picks up a nun. After a little while, he turns and says to the nun, "Sister, I've always wondered what it would be like to get a blowjob from a nun." The nun smiles and says, "Well, perhaps I can grant your wish if you are Catholic and go to church." The cabbie says, "Yes, I am Catholic and, yes, I go to church." So, he pulls over and the nun gives him the best blowjob he ever had. They get back on the road and, as he's about to drop the nun off, the cab driver says, "Sister, I have a confession. I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish, and I don't go to church." The nun says, "I, too, have a confession. My name is Dave and I'm going to a costume party."

Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.

-Anthony Jeselnik

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!"

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

Somebody knocks on door:

Who is there?

Police?

What do you want?

We want to talk.

How many of you are there?

Two.

So talk with each other.